420 ftw
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
