I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
