Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
His hands were made for my vagina.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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