Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
