you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
