I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
