I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
