his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
