You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
