Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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