I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
