just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
