Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
