I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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