I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
