My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
