People with herpes should wear stickers.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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