I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
COCAINE IS GR8
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
