yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
