Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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