The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
