I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
