There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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