I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
