I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
