Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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