why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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