I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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