my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
