I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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