I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
