If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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