I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
