dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
