I'm so fucking centered right now
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
