I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
