i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
