im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
