I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
