I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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