you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Where is the hickey?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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