I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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