i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
