she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
