see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
