first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
