i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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