Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
