They should really pass out barf bags in church
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
