i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Randomize
