I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
