I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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