He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
