she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
