I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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