Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
